Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 10, 2003

I'm a male, 28, in a happy relationship for a year. None of us is perfect, but we are a good fit for each other and I have a lot of personal respect for my girlfriend. I also think she is now serious about our relationship.

For the past year she claimed she was excited about me from the time we first met. Now, however, she admits she went out and had sex with another man just hours after setting up the first date with me. Even though this is not technically cheating, I have doubts about her intentions and character.

She claims she was heartbroken at the time and just grabbing attention. I have a hard time understanding why someone would set up a date with a man she claims she liked, then hours later go out and have sex with a man she claims she did not like.

If she has sex with someone she claims she did not like, how about when she meets somebody she does like? Is having sex a routine part of going out for her? Is she going to be faithful? Sometimes I even feel like taking revenge.

I found this out by reading a love letter, addressed to her, I discovered by accident in her photo album. Taking the letter out of the envelope, however, was not an accident. I can most likely get over this, but I think it would have been better to know early on.

If she didn't care about him, why would she store the letter in a place where we usually store our good memories?

Mario

Mario, the latest popular idea is that you can learn to love someone. This is a new twist on "love is a decision." But if you believe love is a decision, how do you exclude other emotions as decisions? It appears instead of deciding to love her, you've decided to loathe her.

The heart looks for love, and when you didn't feel it, your emotions went to anger and resentment with thoughts of revenge. Compatibility does not equal love. Why is your heart looking at something which happened prior to your first date? Because it doesn't feel love for this woman.

Tamara

Schadenfreude

Today I am turning to you for help. I need information how to denounce someone for tax evasion. Here is my story.

I met a man who tended bar as a hobby. He is very rich and I am very poor. I was fascinated by his personality even though, despite all he told me about himself, he concealed his true identity. Once he asked me to marry him, but as I grew to know his real personality I told him no.

For some reason or other, I became curious what became of him. I investigated and learned he was living with another woman. When he learned about my investigation, he intruded in my apartment when I was not there. I am, however, aware of the danger of accusing him of what I cannot prove.

If it wasn't for a photo he gave me of himself, I'd have no proof of his existence. He keeps using different names in public life and driving cars registered to friends. I believe he indulges in criminal affairs, running several businesses without getting involved under his true name. But if he could be brought to justice, it would be all right with me.

Natasha

Natasha, you need help, but not the kind you seek. Why is this man even in your thoughts? He is out of your life. You told him no. Yet you are wasting time with useless thoughts of revenge.

You say yourself you have no proof. Yet you want to punish him. Even if you get revenge, you have not advanced your life at all. Understanding why you want revenge will allow you to advance your life.

Wayne